Trigger warning: Discussion of events and stereotypes. Some may find offensive. Read before it goes out of date
Countries sit around a long table in quiet conversation. France, Germany and a couple of the other EU nations discuss the details of a carbon tax. Sweden ogles over what looks to be porn but is really a photo album featuring Greta Thornberg. Britain quietly sips tea, occasionally glaring at the EU nations. China is illegally downloading patents for green tech and Japan is out for the annual whale hunt. Russia has been banned from the meeting for invading Ukraine.
The door crashes open. All countries abruptly stop activity
US: GUYS, GUYS, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!!!! California is on fire; Florida is flooding, Canada is melting. If we don’t stop burning liquefied dinosaurs, we’re all going to die in an underwater fire hole!
Other countries: …… we know…….
US: … but don’t worry, as your leader, I’ve come up with a totally great heroic solution.
Other countries roll their eyes and let out a collective groan. US ignores them.
US: so, we have some crazy smart rich dudes building supersonic rocket things that take people to space. According to dudes in white coats who work for me, sperm can survive on Mars, which means we can land everybody there and BAM, new planet!
UK(mutters to self): blimey…. and I thought his volcano idea was crazy….
Fun fact: In 2018, scientists developed a radical strategy to combat climate change. Dubbed the “Pinatubo Strategy”, this strategy proposed for countries to release millions of tonnes of sulfur dioxide into the atmosphere to mimic the cooling effects of volcanic eruptions observed in during the 1991 eruption of Mt. Pinatubo. This strategy was promptly dismissed.
UK(with smirk on face): And how would that work. Last time I checked, Mars was uninhabitable
US: the crazy smart rich dudes will figure it out
Germany,getting frustrated, (mouths quietly to Britain): don’t indulge him! He can’t pay for it anyways. Each trip costs millions
US: HA,HA,HA paying for it is the easy part! I just print a gazillion dollars, give them to everyone and they pay the rich dudes to fly to Mars. Who’s with me?!
Germany (seething with impatience): if you aren’t going to contribute, sign the agreement and GET OUT!
US: Sheesh! Chill out! I was only trying to help because I always have the most awesome ideas. Why are you always so impatient? Give me the paper
Germany hands over the document. US flips right to the end and picks up a pen only do drop it.
US starts sneezing ucontrollably and breaks out in hives
Other Countries: Woah, US are you okay?
US: Achoo… yes.. ah..ahh, achoo…. Taxes (scratches hives)… achoo…. Allergic to… (oudly blow nose)… taxes….. achoo
Germany (to self): Mein gott! I didn’t think he was literally allergic to taxes…. France and I only mentioned in passing.
Fun Fact: Since birth, the US has had a serious, almost pathological aversion to taxes. It could even be argued that the US was founded on the avoidance of taxes. The US isn’t alone nor is its affliction the worse. A couple of other countries, in particular Ireland, the Cayman island and Monaco, are deathly allergic.
The present allergy attack had nothing to do with the agreement itself. Germany and France had been discussing taxes, triggering an allergic reaction.
UK: Oh grow UP! You’re even more sensitive than that frog France
France: Who are you calling soft, at least my.. (US sneezes loudly)… workers have (US blows nose) Oh forget it! I’m too cultured to work with the rest of you Neanderthals.
UK (Indignant): Just because you have other people’s “art” in glass pyramid and bake macarons doesn’t make you cultured
China: Hey! Pei was Chinese!
France: Look who’s talking! You do nothing but steal from others… and make it worse. Don’t even get me started on your inedible….
US: No one has a greater culture than me. I’m number 1 (pulls out Hollywood and Billboard chart)
UK and France: Junk isn’t culture!
US: Come on, how can you not like Brad Pitt? Tom Hanks?
China (mutters to self) : aya, Westerners so arrogant. No respect for elders. Everyone know my culture is the best. My culture last 5000 years, civilize the Mongols!
Turns around and picks a tray up
Har gao? Char siu? Crispy skin duck anyone?
Countries ignore China
China sighs and takes bite of duck
Germany: EVERYBODY SHUT UP!! WHILE YOU IDIOTS ARE HERE BICKERING ABOUT STUPIDITY, THE EARTH IS DYING AND RUSSIA IS PROBABLY STEALING YOUR STATE SECRETS
Russia’s voice (in a soft, threatening tone): Germany, making false accusations has consequences, da? Remember I control pipes…
Other countries, except China and Germany, begin running in panic smashing computers and searching for espionage equipment: Help! Need sanctions!
Russia sits in office laughing at the pandemonium.
Russia (takes gulp of Vodka out of large bottle on desk): Who needs TV when I can watch idiots on fancy illegal spy camera. Oh, right, I have work to do. Need to send more tanks into Ukraine.
The panic eventually stops. The European nations argue with US over the merits of football (Translation: soccer). China bought two more Italian soccer teams and built a new rail system. The Nordics left to eat meatballs at Ikea. All in all, this was a productive meeting.
….. and we all sit and wonder why nothing ever gets done about climate change……
Cheap Talk 